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Reasons the Miami Housewives Should Not Have Been Cancelled

mama elsa patton mugshotWe at BravoWatch would like to give a huge thanks to Cara Runkle for contributing the following article to our site! Great job, Cara!

Will Smith said it best, sort of….Don’t get me wrong, HOTLANTA got it goin on….An New York is the city that we know don’t sleep…an we all know that BEVHILL AND JERSEY stay jiggy…but on the sneak..MIAMI bringin the heat….for real. Or did it? Water so clear you can see to the bottom…hmmmm Hundred-thousand dollar cars, everybody got ‘em…yea well..not so much. Maybe the water is clear, because SURVEY SAYS…we see right through you…. and cancelled.

C’mon people… to get to the meat of a train wreck takes time. It requires seasoning of lies, pretense, adultery, drunken debauchery, backstabbing, character assination and jealous cutthroat manipulation. Please GOD, sign me up. Miami just didn’t hit their stride. I mean, to foster hideous relationships is an art and art doesn’t happen in an instant…maybe on some shows, but not my beloved housewives.

lisa hochstein hbic

joanna krupa instagram pictureWill Joanna Krupa keep drinking? She never had the opportunity to be shamelessly sent to Palm Springs Betty Ford Center in a vain attempt to save her pretty boy marriage to Roman. Obviously she would have a run in with our other favorite alcoholic drinker Brandy Glanville and they could tussle about the aromatic fragrance of Joanna’s well… you know. Thanks Mohammad for THAT juicy bit of information… We’ll never know…..

 

I feel so… empty. I always would look to spiritual leaders such as Mother Teresa, Ghandi, even the Pope for inducing calm and wrinkle removal, when it was Mamma Elsa all along. She claims she is a see-er not a psychic. It must be a Miami thing. I’m crushed that Terry DuBrow and Paul Nassif are not going to be able to perform magic in Miami. I guess I’m stuck with the Pope. …. We’ll never know…..

Lea Black’s growth was just stunted. Period. The depth of her compassion just simply went unnoticed. Ok, I’m going to say it. She is no Lisa VanderPump. We all have girl crushes, it’s ok Lea. When you grow up, maybe you can live in Beverly Hills too. We love that you raise money for troubled teens and design “After Five” crystal handbags…but let’s marry the two. Troubled teens carrying crystal handbags to the food pantry and crashing at your pad. Decadent and ooooohhh yummy.. But guess what?? We’ll never know.….

Adriana. Brazilian bombshell. Ok, I’m a blonde bombshell… gimme something else. Married, artist, husband from Paris, mother. Still waiting… Listen, I’m pretty, could go on “French Match” and get a husband from Paris, be a mother (that’s original) do something artsy..(I re-arranged my living room today) and hang out in the sun and be social in Miami. Yeeeaaaa….put her back in the oven… her internal temperature hasn’t reached full heat… yet. But guess what?… We’ll never know….

lisa hochstein pregnant pictureLisa Hochstein. She is an activist. I’m sorry.. for what??? She loves her family, fitness, beauty and of course marrying for money. Nothing but the best for Lisa. Married the “Boob God”. Congratulations. Did you start your gold-digging ways as a participant on Toddlers and Tiaras? There is a story here… how?? I don’t even think Lisa knows. The glue holding me to my seat in front of the TV has evaporated. I think I will go prepare my taxes… and wear a tiara doing it. Now there’s a story. Sorry Lisa. Not Sorry. But guess what?.. …We’ll never know….

Marysol Pattan. She is a cheerleader, right? Oh Public Relations and a party host… my mistake. Half my friends are PR Hotshots and throw parties every weekend. Kegger Anyone??? Yawn. What’s lurking at the bottom of those alcoholic beverages Marysol? But guess what??…We’ll never know….

Alexia Echevarria. A Cuban Barbie …oooolalalala. Whatever. What city are we in? Oh I’m sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone in ANY OTHER CITY, USA. A Barbie, twice divorced, first ex-husband sent to prison, sounds like… pick a syllable ..2, 3 or 4… Jersey, OC, Atlanta or Beverly Hills. Poor Alexia. She’s like the Barbie that got locked in the closet..(no pun intended, well maybe) who never got to flip tables, carry a bedazzled bible or own a gym with a true hot Cuban. Sorry. I wonder if she will ever find her Ken and live in Barbies Dreamhouse. But guess what?…We’ll never know….

Stay tuned…we just might get a heat wave in Miami. Then guess what? THEN WE’LL KNOW! In the meantime, you can always tell us what you think about this post by leaving a comment below, or joining our new Bravo forum and talking with other Bravoholics from around the world!

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